Rhyana Mackenzie Mooney

My beautiful daughter rhyana mackenzie was born may 29th 08 after a 6 hour labour an weighing a healthy 71b 2oz. That was my family completed. Rhyana was a sister to 4 year old ronan and 2 year old kayla. She had a head full of dark hair an gorgeous dark brown eyes. Everyone always commented on her beauty, saying she looked like a wee doll. We felt so proud that she belonged to us.

Rhyana was such a fantastic baby, she only got up one time through the night for a feed but that stopped when she was 4 weeks, she was sleeping from 10.30pm till 8.30am. We couldnt believe our luck!! Rhyana loved to go out walks in her buggy, she loved cuddles an playing below her gym. She also really loved her bathtime!!

Everyday with rhyana was fantastic, she was growing up to be so cute!! Her christening day was planned for july 27th 08 but on july 26th, the day before it, the worst thing ever happened.

Rhyana was with my friend for few hours on the saturday morning as id gone to get my hair done for her big day. I was home around 12 an i rung my friend to bring her home. Rhyana was asleep in her carseat when she came home but woke around 1.15pm for a bottle, she guzzled down 4oz an then lay below her play gym for half an hour. She got a little grumpy at 3 oclock so i got her bum changed an then settled her in her cot for her nap. Her afternoon nap usually lasted for 3 or 4 hours. I dont know why but at 5.30pm, just 2 an a half hours into her nap i decided to go check on her. I opened the door an just peeked in but something didnt look right, her face was pale. I ran to the cot an grabbed her up and just started screaming. I knew instantly my beautiful daughter was dead. Her lips were blue an she had already started to go cold. I ran to phone an called the ambulance an they talked cpr through with me. I prayed to god to help my little girl but nothing worked. The ambulance were with me in approx 10 minutes. I was in such a hysterical state, one of my neighbours heard me an come over to give me some comfort as the paramedics worked on rhyana. I just watched her tiny lifeless body lying on my floor and i cursed god, i hated him for taking my little girl.

The next few hours were a blur. My partner had been contacted an we went to hospital with rhyana in ambulance. They told us there that she had died at least an hour before i had found her. Il never forgive myself for not going into her room sooner. We spent a few hours with her, cuddling her and saying our goodbyes. Sean ( rhyanas daddy ) and i just cried and cried. Other family members came up to see her as well, everyones hearts were broken.

Sunday ( her christening ) was such a difficult day, her gorgeous dress was still hanging on door for her to wear and her little headband, booties an tights were sitting on kitchen table. Ronan and Kayla were confused with everything, an its so difficult to explain to little kids whats happened. We just said that Rhyana was an angel in heaven now and she has big white fluffy wings. They accepted that. We had visitors coming to the house constantly. I didnt want to see anyone except my mum, sean an my kids.

Rhyana was brought home on tuesday evening. We had given her christening dress for her to wear along with a little white hat. She looked beautiful, just like she was asleep. It was so lovely to have her home for the night. Her funeral was at 1oclock on wednesday. Iv never felt pain like it. Seeing my little girls pink coffin being lowered into the ground. I just broke down into seans arms. My family were great support for me that day. But no parent should have to watch there child be buried.

Rhyanas autopsy results came back totally normal. They told us that sadly cot death ( or sids ) was what took our little princess. How cruel. I wish there was proper answers regarding cot death. How can a healthy babys heart just stop beating. Im not content with that.

Every day without Rhyana is so difficult but i feel she is giving us the strength to keep going.

I really hope that one day soon there will be a reason found for cot death and hopefully before this cruel killer takes many more beautiful healthy babys.

Sleep tight princess xxxxx





The mask I wear

You see this smiling happy face
But look closely at my eyes
You'll see they are still dead inside
It shouldn’t be a surprise

Yes I smile , I laugh, I joke
Sometimes join in, have some fun
Don’t you realise when I lost my child
A new existence has begun

I wander round the town with you
We sit, eat lunch, drink tea
Please look past this false smile I give
Look for the real me

I may look as if the old me's back
But don’t you realise it's an act?
I have to pretend that I'm ok
Me and my conscience made a pact

When I'm all alone at home
I sit and stare into space
I think constantly about my child
Just remembering their face

I've never felt so all alone
Even when lost in a crowd
I want to scream and shout and rave
Shout 'please notice me' out loud

So please don’t be fooled by the person you see
Look beyond the act I give
Speak to me about my child
Please help me again to live
(Author Unknown)
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The Shopping Trip

As I peruse the aisles
of the local store
I see things more differently
than I ever have before

'Daddy's Little Angel'
the embroidered bibs do read
But Daddy's angel is in Heaven
and bibs she does not need.

She does not need a bottle
a dress or a toy
Of buying those things for her
we shall never know the joy

There are tiny jars of baby food
that she will never eat
And shiny shoes with buckles
that will never touch her feet

As the bikes and trikes taunt me
from high up on the rack
Tears will break free from my eyes
if I dare look back

I run off to the restroom
to blow my nose and cry
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard
and let out a sigh

I must go face the paper,
college and wide rule
That my little angel
will never use in school

I hurry past the greeting cards
that the people choose with care
And I am reminded
of the holidays we shall not share

In the checkout line I bow my head
and heavy is my heart
For the family right in front of me
has a newborn in their cart

Shopping in the local store
used to be mundane
Now every aisle's full of items
which remind me of my pain

So, quick as I can, I give the cashier
the money from my purse
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain
in this foreignly happy universe
(Author Unknown)
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What My Child Has Taught Me

- I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

- I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.

- I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.

- I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for lack of compassion.

- I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".

- I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

- I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.

- I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

- I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

- I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.

- I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.

- I've learned that some positives can come out of a tragedy... and that friends and strangers alike can give more comfort and strength than they will ever know.

- I've learned that the words 'Thank You' sometimes are nowhere near enough to express gratitude, when someone has helped you survive a day that you didn't have the strength to get through on your own. Or when someone takes the time to acknowledge what has happened and cares enough to listen to you.

- I've learned how important and powerful hugs are.

- I've learned how much i love those around me.

- I've learned what it means to become a family, and that i have more love for my daughter than I ever thought possible.
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Where Did It Go?

Where did our life go
What happened to all our plans
Where did that first smile go,
That first 'dada'
That first 'mama'
That first fabulous tooth ?

What happened to that first day of school
Those scraped knees i was gonna kiss better
That first school photo
What happened to that first ' I love you '
That first gappy grin ?

Who stole the insolent teenager who would
Exasperate us, wear us out and make us proud
Where did her wedding day go
And her husband
And their beautiful children ?

In a missed heartbeat
We were robbed of all of this
Of our girl and her beautiful treasured life .

God took you in his loving arms “He saw you needed rest,” His garden must be beautiful For he only takes the best....xxxxxxxx